Zindage ke talash main.

Laash dar laash, laashoon kay dhair per chal raha hun main,
iss tallash main kay kaheen zindage ka suragh millay.
Kaheen kissee murda lash min ho koi saans ke ramaq,
Kaheen to kooie jeenay ka jawaz millay.

Brain Drained, Me.

Exams are getting the better of me, I am totally brain drained. Reading the Universal Notes which make no real sense is a night mare. And to add to all the miseries Karachi University had not given us any syllabus to prepare for the exams. I have been searching wikipedia for answers of the past papers but that too is of little use because the there have been changes in the curriculum last year and I many questions are from the old curriculum.

To cut this long story short, I am studying aimlessly so that I will have something to fill up those answer sheets, I know this year too I will fail and I know I am totally wasting my time. But still I have to give it a shot.

On the 10th July, after giving my last paper, I will be free. The first place I will go after that will be the flee market to hunt for treasure. Later that night I will complete my painting which had been hanging their to dry out. This is the first time I have used butter and pallet knife along with brush to paint. I also have to work out on figure drawings, have to put those Photos of mine on sale. And there is so much more to do…. My life seems so short when I think of all the things I want to do and learn……

Senselessness

I hate exams, I hate the way they isolate me. Being alone with boring books and notes that make little sense and preparing without any clue of the syllabus really gets me.

I have been depressed, gloomy, sad and bored and out of this very boredom and also due to the fact that my hairdresser is out of town I decided to be creative with my own head. Yeah I picked up the electric hair trimmer and started giving my self a hair cut. I stopped only when I realized that if I continue any further I will look worst than a bear attack victim. My head is looking like a pot of grass right now, it’s just not green but it is as uneven and crooked as it could be, which means the next time you spot a guy with a really bad haircut sipping coffee you will be sure it’s me.

With all the boredom, depression and the weirdest haircut in the world I have realized something that in this world good friends who you can rely upon are imposable to find it’s time I accept the fact that friends only exist in fairytales.

Ooh my I plan to be at t2f on 5th, I guess I will have to adopt the Ali Azmat hairdo, which will put my barber out of commission for a life time, and all the money I save on haircuts can be spent on Books…. *Yawn*

I have started to get bored again….. Does anyone want a free hair cut…. Complete abstractions in style guarantied :) …

NOTE: The above post proves that my brain has gone on a vacation to Bahamas.

The hell, I Am Going Through.

Depression is now taking over the better of me, I cant even keep a jar of cookie in the living room, because if I do the jar empties over night, if a get my self a pack of chips, or a snack or any thing “M” stares at me. I had started having dinners in my room because he stares at every single peace of meat I break and I don’t feel comfortable being stared at while eating and today he sarcastically said that Jamal eats dinner secretly.

My maternal uncle “M” came to live with us when his wife passed away, His niece (who used to live in the same house with him) was after his house and money so “M” sold off his house and went away from her to protect his property and wealth. We were happy to have him with us, we thought he would eat what ever we eat and share the chores of life with us.

Unlike other families in this city, we don’t have any servants. We wash our own clothes, we clean our house our selves. We don’t even have a gardener or a sweeper. We didn’t expect him to sweep the floor or wash the cloths but we expected him to at least take his own platters to the kitchen after the dinner, or answer the door once in a while.

As far as food is concerned we eat meat not more than twice in a week, our diet is usually lentils, vegetables some times continental dishes. My mom is an excellent cook, the best in our whole clan. We thought he would enjoy the verity of food but he does not eat anything but meat, he want fresh food every day. he doesn’t like Chinese, or English food and even refuses to try a new dish. If there are three peaces of meat in a bowl at the dining table, he pounce on it as soon as the bowl rests on the table and quickly grabs the spoon and fishes out the three only meet chunks in the bowl leaving just the curry for the rest of us.

Beside all those annoying eating habits he is taking away every bit of privacy from us. When ever mom and I try to have privet conversation he pop’s up from one place or another, we will find him walking to-and-fro by the room window or sitting on a chair by the door right outside the room, he does the same when mom’s on phone or talking to anyone including my father. He sits in the middle of the house and sneaks on every one when ever he thinks we are doing something privet. He tries peeking at my computer screen and tries to listen to my mobile conversations.

We are not financially rich we maintain a certain balance in our expenditure. He on the other hand has given us not a single dime in these 5 months. A few days back mom asked him to take responsibility of his expense over which he started crying and said that who ever he thought to live with said the same thing and said he will leave to Lahore to live with his wife’s brother who is willing to support him.

My Uncle (Khaloo) had offered him a job at his clinic his son, my cousin had also told him that he can work in his shop but he did not reply to any of them. A few days back my aunty (Khala) asked him to do some work, she said it is not good for him to sit idle all day. After khala left “M” said to my mom that even one is telling him to find a job, and my mom should tell my khala to mind her own business. My mom told M to say what ever he likes to Khala (his elder sister) him self.

A few days back when my cousin came to see us at around 11 pm, M was upstairs in his room, my cousin “F” stayed here with her kids and her husband for almost an hour. He didn’t came down to even say hi although he was not sleeping. The last time when “F” had brought for us snakes he had come down although it was after midnight. Before that when My cousin had visited us for dinner he had been eves dropping on her and moms conversation My cousin noticed him outside the kitchen window and the zipped up their lips.

Ever since he has come here, my mom had been on her toes, He wants his tea, dinner, lunch, and every thing on time and he expects mom to take responsibility of everything. I our home we only request mom for food, if I want pancakes or custard I request her and if she is too busy I do it my self. My father also often makes hi own Chapati, in our house we collectively work. He is the only one who orders mom as if it is her duty to provide him his tea and food in time.

He has passed sarcastic remark at everyone of us while sitting on a chair in the middle of the house, which is almost all he does throughout the day besides of course sleeping or going out for short walks.

He is my own maternal uncle but he is that odd peace which can’t ever fit into the jigsaw of our lives unless he changes him self at least a bit. He has been on our nerves ever since he arrived. I don’t know why we haven’t kicked him out, maybe it is because this is not America and we still care about what people will say. Or maybe we still don’t want to hurt him. I don’t know if I sound too selfish to be writing and telling about him like this, may be we are the wrong ones, may be we have changed so much that he is not adjusting with us. May be we have grown too liberal. I don’t know, I don’t want to know. I just need my privacy and the little sanity we had in our lives back.

* Sigh * or May be we are too selfish….

Blackmailing For Good..

I have been haunting my niece K since the last six months for muffins, It’s just for the fun’s sake (Or MayBeNot). Only yesterday I realized that I could turn this haunting demands for muffins into some positive blackmailing and I am glad that it really worked.

I spent the whole yesterday guiding her to setup her first wordpress account, and today at noon I found her first post. And yes, it was about her muffin crazy uncle.. *Sigh* there is always a price one needs to pay for the bad deeds, no matter how good intentional they are. But I sort of enjoyed it, it was fun to know how crazy I am :) and after all my vicious plan worked and she is now a blogger… :P .

After The 12th of May

12th of May, the day I spent glued to the television set, watching the blood shed, people dieing and dead people laying on the streets was highly saddening and depressing. After witnessing such violence I couldn’t leave my house for the next few days. More then 40 people were killed, so many families are still morning their lose.

After 12th May, the first time I drove out was on 18th, I went to the photo lab and came straight back home after giving them a couple of digital images to print. Our city came back to normal afterwards, may be not completely but just enough.

The news agencies, are under threat, journalists are insecure, cartoonists are under attack, People fear that we may see some after shocks of May 12… The unfolding events continue….

Clowns With A Freak Show Are Coming To Town.

The air is tense, and dry hay is ready to set ablaze. In such a situation I don’t feel comfortable to leave my house just a night before the bon fire begins and the freak show takes over the city.

This bloody clown is parading all over the world with a red nose on his face, which looks more like a rotten cherry sitting on a stale crud pie. And every one in this circus of which this ugly clown is the head, and every one who has come to see this clown make a complete fool of him self is a freak. It a mega freak show, in which every freak of the world is holding a rotten pie to splat on the other’s face.

I, on the other hand don’t want to be in the middle of this outrageous mudslinging and pie splashing contest so I will be spending the next few days at home watching “War and Peace” for the very third time and cursing every single clown in the region and every single wealth greedy monster who works for these creepy clowns.

Go tO heLL YoU CreApY CloWns, & LeT uS bLoODy LiVe IN PeAcE !!!

Swimming Against The Current

It takes courage to swim against the currents and I have been doing exactly that throughout my life.

Being a feminist since I was about twelve, I never left my chair for a girl, I always apposed the idea of a separate line for ladies and hated the term “Ladies first” for me they are all ways to impose the idea that ladies are weaklings. In School I gave a hard time to my english teachers by always using “her/his” instead of “his/her” and “She/he” instead of “he/she”, I always avoided using “He” for human race and I never used the word “mankind”, actually I used to alter it with “Human beings” , “Human” or “human race” which really used to piss off my teachers. Besides being a crazy feminist I have always been a revolutionist, a non materialistic person, an art freak and a Ghazal lover.

There is very little in common among any of my friends or my cousins because none of them are as insane as I am. Being the only child of my parents and being so crazy that I don’t see almost anything from a normal point of view pushes me into a space where I am all alone.

Sometimes this swim against the currents breaks me into countless tiny fragments. I takes time to pull pack each and every fragment together and continue the swim again. I have learned to swim only against the currents and don’t know how to other wise. When I see every single person around me going in one direction and me in the absolute opposite I feel so lost but in this journey I do find a person or two, who are of course better and more stronger then me going more swiftly against the strong currents. I am not as skilled as they are and am not as strong at least not yet.

Dark, Humid and Scary.

Being antisocial is killing me, today I went out after ages. I felt too shelled, too shy and too nerve racked .. *Sigh* the depression is mounting, the stress level is too high, it’s killing me, and the pink tab is making is worst.

Remember the jigsaw of my life, the odd crocked peace is disturbing the whole color pallet of the jigsaw, its curves don’t fit, it’s colors don’t match and we are trying to press it, squeeze it in one place or the other.

It is like I have completely stopped moving and the whole world is moving at light speed all around me. It’s scary to realize that you are surrounded by only back stabbers and every other hand you will shake will only burns your heart.

This is what it has been like these days, dark, humid and scary.

who knows Who/what I am ?

I am a cocooned person, I don’t know if I will bloom into a butterfly or will end up giving off silk, but at least I am of some use.

In 1999 I won a web designing “Azadi” competition held by dawn, after which I joined Infotrain and ended up designing several demonstrations and web sited for them. I made many websites for Agha and so many people and most of them paid me no more then 500 for the whole thing.

I started up Redwaves Solution but my partner turned out to be crazy, I had worked really hard with Direct web, a project which was bound to make millions but sadly a badly marketed project sank to the bottom of the sea

By this time I was totally really dishearted so I started up blogging, painting and photography. It was more self satisfying, and now I am on a path of self discovery.

I am a blogger, photographer, painter, Art freak, feminist, a web designer, a social worker……. and when people ask me ” what do u do ? ” a simple question becomes the most complicated then ever to answer. I surely don’t know who I am ? What I am ? I don’t even know if I am good or bad ? I really don’t know my self I am a confusing person, who is confused him self. *Sigh* who knows what or who I am….