I had never thought it would be such a challenge to survive through a society where honesty rarely found, specially for someone like me who who is extremely sensitive and tries his level best to make sure every he is never even slightly dishonest to anyone around him.
All my life I have always detested hypocrisy and have done all in my might to live as honestly as I could but it seems the people of the society I was born in have seen and experienced so much of negativity, hypocrisy and dishonesty that they failed to accept a lunatic of my sort.
In the past three decades that i have spent on this planet earth I have experienced a lot of hardships, I was taken sheer advantage of for my honesty since my early childhood even by some of my close relatives. People thought I wouldn’t notice, but no one is born a compleat fool so well I did and I started to draw lines not to let them use me upto a certain point .
This started to filter out a lot of foes from my friends, literally leaving me almost alone. Later iLife I started to work for NGOs but soon I realised but then I realised that people working for a cause too were actually taking me for a ride. And again I started to draw more lines and made sure again that I am not taken advantage of the process of falling down face first getting up riding again, adding more guards and yet being stabbed in the back yet again in a different manner continues till date.
With time and experience I learned that when one is being honest s/he automatically starts to expect the same from others and tends to trust people more often and more conveniently, I also realised that during the practice since you tend to be truly sincere with others you give out a lot of information you shouldn’t have. and people knowing you inside out do figure out your weaknesses, and playing with your emotions, manage to bluff and backstab you more conveniently.
But all these backstage, taking advantage of and being used ( or abused ), had never put me off, it only made me more stronger and better but but in the course of time what really brought me down and and has probably now shattered me completely is something completely different.
There are countless good people who i came across in this period of time who have at one point or another have seriously questioned my sincerity, honesty, sensibility and even my sensitivity . They continue to try and figure out why I am have been so honest, why I am so caring and they always come up with bizarre conclusions and decide to get rid of me. They are so frightened of their own insecurities or maybe they are just taken back by the alien personality that i seem to have, which at this point in my life i can’t Really change, scares them really far away from my life.
In short people refuse to understand me they are either busy figuring my alternative motives or ways to use and abuse my intentions but sadly their are none who would take inspirations from me, or trust enough to work hand in hand. They are collectively draining my energies and making it more difficult to survive through it all.
Yes i believe everyone needs some people who won’t question their intentions, and be with them as friends or maybe its only me who has this weakness but at this point in life, today while typing these words I am seriously thinking of going into an isolation and starting a new journey to find a place with better hopes and a slightly more sensitive people. a place which would have atleast some positivity rather than having nothing to cling to and no one around who would be willing to understand.