I have always been a total misfit for the society I belong to, some events of the past few months made me ponder a little and I realized how different , difficult and different I am from the rest of the world and why.
I have been brought up inspired by the stories like of my great grandfather who once gave shalter to an eloped couple, giving his quilt and bed to them and staying up and awake all night long shivering in the winters. Stories of my grand mother and another distant relative of hers who dispite of living in a tiny hut used to to present the little food in their house to the guests while they starved themselves. How they gave their little precious belongings to whoever liked them.
the stories of my grandfather who always went out of the way to help others, he worked as a tailor and earned very little yet again he spent days and nights helping others for the sake of humanity. the story of my parents spiritual mentor who had instructed not to judge anyone and had a female sex workers as some of his followers and he wouldn’t let anyone talk bad about them and would told his followers it’s a matter between God and them and we have no right to judge them. And countless other such stories .
To make it worst, or I would now say even better since my childhood I have seen my parents treat any other kids who started to come to our house as their own, if she would buy a toy for me she would buy him / her a toy of the same value too. Or if they couldn’t afford to buy us anything we both won’t get it – My mother always said , “Son he will feel bad if I will buy you a toy (or a candy or something) and not him”
Whenever mother would go out, despite all hardships she would buy little things for others and wont go to anyone’s house empty handed, she would cooks food for the whole party in the neighbor’s house and would do countless things for others. All she could do
Despite all this since we have always been financially struggling and since we were easy to take advantage of people and even relatives took advantage of this sincerity and left us alone or parted from us after a short time .
I lived a very lonely childhood, no friends lasted more than a few weeks, the school friends were kept at a distance because we had not much money to throw parties so I wouldn’t attend theirs too . relatives were almost non existence. But the values were deep imbedded in me, also to make it worst I got inspired by my mother’s writings and being brought up listening to Faiz and all the other Gazals of the time I was a feminist, rebellion leftist who cared a F&%$ for what people thought.
This turned out to be lethal mix I guess, since early childhood boys and girls used to emotionally blackmail me , “ you are my brother get me some raw mangos from your tree please “ ,yes they were smart kids . I was no less a cracked head I used to know what they are up to after a while but I thought “ I cant change for these fools” and used to get careful .
Also in early ages I had learned about the patriarch notions in the literature and would refuse to write “He” for the unknown gender, I would always write “human beings” rather than “mankind” . The teacher wouldn’t get tired crossing out my assignments for this and I would refuse to give up .
Time passed and I grew up into an overly sensitive young man who would cry over emotional clips . who would argue and disconnect with any boy would gaze at women, or would indulge in any antifeminist act or talk. I would give my 100% honesty to the people, would care and go out of the way for them and would later get dumped after I was no more useful to them.
After a while I grew smarted and chose friends very carefully, but due to all the emotional trauma of being used and abused I would look for confirmations and reconfirmations that the other person wont just dump me half way.
The lifelong training has made me very resilient, I worry little about what people would think, now I rebel fashion trends, common thoughts, stereotypes, snobbery and other social cancers which are eating away the beauty of the societies of the world. I wear my odd persona boldly with complete honesty and transparency. I make mistakes I confess, I say sorry publically but where I think I am right I announce that too openly and boldly.
But this too has its problems, my extremely odd, sensitive and caring personality often gives people a wrong idea, they took the extreme politeness for flirtation or maybe they think I have alternative motives and it is true in the efforts for doing something for others I often do injustice to myself too. I have much impatience, I get anxious and worry too much if they would leave me and at times still look for reconfirmations of their honesty. But its also my power, My power as a social human rights activist, that I feel deeply for the cause I work for and give my complete self and honesty to it.
In the past few months I have realized I am a very abstract person for those who know me well enough hold on to me knowing that I am at least not dishonest and would sacrifice anything for them and those who don’t, and think of the evil plots I may have against them or others I really don’t care, they are just people, part of the masses, part of the society I simply don’t belong to. I am born an odd person that is part of my personality, and I am born to rebel who swims against the currents the wounds and hurt are my strength and my power which might bring a some positive change one day the society before my times is up. After all I too am just a speck on the timeline, a speck which is bound to vanish sooner or later.