Confused…

As soon as I stepped out of my house on the road a sound captured my attention. It a was a young child, hoisted on a man’s arm and peeking at me from behind his shoulder. As I looked at her she pointed a finger towards me and shouted even louder in sheer enthusiasm “Bhayah” (Brother). This time her voice was too clear, so clear that it seemed to pierce through me. And I winced as if I had confronted a monster which was headed a to stab me through the heart

But she was just a kid, instead of looking away and running off in the opposite direction I could have smiled back but I was too afraid but of what ? Of being stabbed once again? May be I don’t really know…. I am confused.

In The Eye Of A Storm.

I wouldn’t tell and you wouldn’t know and I will deny even if you will, till the storm lasts that the storm existed and I stood in the centre of it, right in the eye, spinning like a top would spin with the unwind of a string. And don’t ask me why because I know you love it when the poor wooden top spins on the ground, you don’t put it out of it’s misery but you just play with it until it runs out of all it’s energy and lay lifeless on your palm.

The storm is blowing away the dust, debris and masks, pealed away to show the ugliness of a few familiar faces. But faces don’t haunt me, I have seen them all sweet and then turning ugly, only these ones are a bit up close.

In the centre spinning, absorbing maximum energy from the storm I am digging the ground pealing it’s harsh surface and making groves in the dry mountainous terrain, smooth, stained red with my blood and deep, in hope to reach to the waters which runs in the veins of the land, fluid, full of life, to green the dry land and give me strength and life.

Interviewed

Here is my interview Published on The Pakistani Spectator. Do give it a visit and leave your comments.

Aurat

Raat kaanch kay sheeshay ke tarhana toot gaee .. Chandnee zameen per bikhaar ker khamoosh hoo gaee … woh jo aik larkee thee, uss raat Khushe ke shahnaeee kay saeey main aik umeedh ke girrha bandh ker apnay palooh ko apnoo say churra ker kisee anjaan kay ghar gaee thee … woh apnay armaanoon kay khoon mey doob ker mar gaee … Aab Uss ka jisam kisee wahshee kay hanth ke katputlee hia ….

Random Thoughts At 3:00

It was the end of January when I got typhoid after which a bit of phenomena flared up into a chest infection which to this date is being treated. I am was put on steroid and now when the doctor is tapering the medicine I am getting occasionally elevated fever, mood swings, depression and fatigue.

Depression has been at the peak since all these days, I fell isolated, lonely, sad and totally shattered from within. The country’s political situation, inflation, food and economic crises are adding much to my depression.

I have been sitting on my computer and analyzing the program codes of the very operating system I had been relying upon all my life and realizing the dreadful errors which had always been there in the main structure of the program code but I and every one who had been using this operating system and even those who had been there when it was created and even those few who shed their sweat blood for this very operating system have just now realized the basic flaws in it’s whole creation, but it is far too late now, we are somewhat addicted to it and too much of our data, hard work and hope are invested in this God Damn Operating System…

This operating system was a mistake, no doubt. But how to undo this mistake specially when we have come so far ? What a loss it would be ? So much time money and efforts on a project which was designed to fail sooner or later. What a bunch of fools we were.

Software designing is a heartless business, It takes away the best out of people, developers stay up for nights, and for all their sweat, blood and efforts they only get enough to keep their children barely fed.

I guess I will stick to web designing and arts along with writing and blogging, that is what I am good at, for the rest of it I simply don’t have the heart to make fool out of innocent souls, making them work hard, giving them false hope and latter shattering all their dreams with a simple “Sorry”

Today I am penny less, not a dime in my pocket with my parents stretching their little monthly earnings to the limits to barely keep the house running, but thanks to Allah Almighty that I am in no way poor and I am glad I always prefer buying books over food.

I don’t know if I make any sense at all, I am myself confused. The I don’t know if I should morn on the wracked computer codes but that would be useless yes May be I should move ahead, surely I must, I must move on this time with my eyes open and not to repeat the mistakes of the past. But will I be able to do that ? Who knows, may be or may be not, but that doesn’t matter what matter’s is that I must try.

Letter To The Doctor.

This is the long letter I typed for a doctor today whose appointment I have for Friday the 18th of April, midnight, at Imam Clinic.

Lets hope things work for me, but I wish to see some other Doctor before that, I wonder who I should go to …. Anyways here’s the rough draft of the letter:

Dear Doctor,

It was the beginning of February when I first got fever (101-102), I took an antibiotic for two days with Panadol and brufeen every 4 hours but there was No effect. then the antibiotic was changed but after three days when that too proved ineffective, I started “C-bosh” which worked and after having it for five days in a row I was asked to discontinue the medicine.

Soon after recovering from my fever I had a bit of cough, I am allergic to dust and dry weather gets me. I visited DR. Muneer shaikh and he prescribed me some drugs they are listed in the attached prescription. There was a bit improvement but then it rolled back and I continued to coughing - I took these meds for around a month. (I have now stopped taking them for some 10 days, the decision was mine, and I am better )

After this, around 20 or some days from today (15 - April - 2008- ) I started to feel fatigue or lack of energy, I noticed that I have a slight fever which remained on 99.5 and at maximum 100 by the evening. Munir Shaikh said the fever might be because of the chest congestion and I kept fighting it with Panadols but after a few days when the fever persisted My cousin DR. Moin prescribed me 250 Mg of Qumic (an Antibiotic) for twice every day, but when it proved inaffective Dr. Moin prescribed me with Maxima ( Cefixime 400Mg) One a day. I continued with Cafixime for 12 days, my fever while I was totally resting remained on a mark between 99-100 (99.5).

It’s been a few days (4 to be exact) since I have taken not any other medicines. Just today ( 15 April 2008 ) at noon I have taken a dose of Ketress ( Levamisole HCL), because I suspected that I may have a Roundworm infestation, although I have not sighted a single worm in my stool but still I am getting erratically hungry, My stomach is somewhat upset, I still have a chest congestion, I have fatigue and I feel tiredness and (by only the looks of it) I may have lost some weight as well. I suspected I may have nematodes in me because I had recently been to a place where such worms were living in a damaged wall and were eating on algae and it was out of sheer curiosity that I went near them.

But because I am not a doctor and I am sick of being sick, I come to you to seek advice and I have faith in you that you would do the best and will decide accordingly to fix things in my body ..

I hope you would be able to help me get better.

Kind regards
Jamal Ashiqian

— [-End-] —

And this is what it comes to for a subject called ART

I remember when I was at school out teachers never taught us anything about fine arts, I was always particularly interested in paintings when at school but there was not a single teacher who would teach me how to paint or tell us about an art gallery. The only thing we were taught as children was to barely draw and all I remember drawing through my whole primary school life was parrot, car and a house with a tree. When we entered secondary schooling we were asked to draw diagrams, an outline drawings of different body parts or instruments out of physics and chemistry labs and like the rest of my class mates I remember I too used to trace them out of our books on our note books. In short throughout our schooling we actually taught nothings about fine arts at all, we did not knew what paintings were, we had never heard the word sculpture and we had absolutely no idea what so ever what Fine art actually was.

In college of course no one cared least to entertain such follies fine arts covers so actually throughout my whole academic life I was taught not a single word of fine arts. And this is not just me but almost 90% of the schools which at operating around the country specially the ones with the government teach almost nothing of fine arts to its students. The only art form we are taught of at schools is literature but that too is taught at such a superficial level that literality plays like those of Shakespeare seems to be mare stories and poems seem similar to nursery rhymes.

This means that our educated lot of people (and also the ones to come) are really oblivious of art, from any sense of design or visual harmony and incapable of appreciating any form of art. Which explains why a teacher at NED university teaching architecture rejected one of Piet Mondrian compositions (traced copy) submitted as an assignment by a student with a remark which read “Not interesting enough” and no the teacher did not knew anything about Piet because the next day when the student told his teacher that the work was a copy of “Mondrian” he was told ” I don’t care where you have copied it from but next time copy something which make sense ” … What else could possibly have made sense to him for a composition to be made only with straight lines, Only God knows.

The thoughts were triggered after visiting this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rumana-husain/2381830913/

If I Had More Money…

There are times I wish I would have had a bit more liberty to spend money but then would I have known the pleasures of searching junk at the flea market and finding treasures like Alastair Hendy’s latest book, Gale Tuoti’s hand painted ceramic tile, the small laughing Buddha or a handcrafted boomerang. Would I have known the pleasures of browsing through piles of used books to find my favorite writer and later to even get those books signed by the author. I would have missed all this and also the training to look for precarious things in places where one would least expect them to be.

Money does make a few things easy for us but it also deprives us from learning so much more and I am glad that I have the privilege to be a part of such a different learning process, I hope I learn the most from it.

A Thought

Last year, around NewYear the issues that bothered me were mostly like women’s rights, child abuse and education for the underprivileged and today some 12 months later it is the integrity of my country…

Where are we headed ?

The Year 2007

This last month, December of the year 2007 has been the most difficult month for me of the whole year, as a matter of fact this whole year has been really tough on me.

My maternal uncle came to live with us, he completely invaded our privacy, eves dropped on every single phone call, gazed at every crumb of food we ate, he was there to listen to on every single whisper we made.

It was nerve wrecking to watch him sit all day, not even moving his chair out of the way when my mom was not well and I was running to-’n'-fro to get her medicine, water and food. He did not budge a millimeter when our cat was ripping off the mosquito net screening from the front door, he never budged when all of us were running all around the house, cleaning, cooking decorating, watering the plants and answering the damn door bell.

It further pissed us when he passed sarcastic remarks each time his meal or the evening tea was a few minutes late, or each time his meal time was delayed due to the mom’s appointment with the dentist. What’s worst was, he was secretly using our towel, keeping his clean so he wouldn’t need to wash his, using our soap and was keep his wrapped safe in his cupboard, he was even using our tooth paste while his tube was gathering dust in his room. We wouldn’t have cared if he would not have kept his soap, toothpaste, and stuff locked safe.

He showed no sympathy, he had been treated us like his slaves, even wanted us to do shopping for him without even paying for anything we bought for him.

My mom, regardless of her arthritis does all the household work, My father too keeps busy all day, I too fix my own breakfast and contribute to household work all day but he does not even take his own platters back to the kitchen and when he once washed the washbasin which is only in his use he instantly announced to us proudly “Look I have washed YOUR washbasin today”

On the other hand the country deprived us the basic rights to express, to chose and decide, the law in mutilated, to express is a crime… The peace of the city is no more, crime is on high, journalists and human right activists are under fire, extremism is on the rise. Yeas, It further depresses me.

And to make it all worst the legendary artist Gulgee is killed along with his wife and maid, in cold blood, and then Benazir Bhutto’s assassination. I wasn’t one of her followers, I don’t know what PPP is all about, I don’t know what her strategy or role as a politician was but still she was learned person, she came to Pakistan after so many years, and most of all she was a hope for the thousands and hundreds of poor people around the country who believed she would do something for them. It was all gone with a single bullet and that which followed her assassination, the mayhem, the ciaos in the country was enough to depress any one who has the slightest love for this country or it’s people.

And not to forget the rumors of the drinking water being poisoned and the killing of another Leader was really nerve wrecking.

After all this, how could I send people a happy NewYear greeting ? I could I feel like celebrating, besides I was too tired with the violence, reading news, worrying what next, I did not feel like saying anything. I just wanted to shout, loudly out of every single loudspeaker in the whole of the country, only one sentence ” STOP, God Dame-it STOP “.